


Valentine's Day of 1983

by The_Saltman



Series: The FANFService AU [3]
Category: Five Nights at Freddy's
Genre: Blood and Gore, Chaos, Crossbow Violence, Demon slaying, Disturbing the Peace, Machine Violence, Murder, assault with a deadly weapon, disorder, hit and run
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29444400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Saltman/pseuds/The_Saltman
Summary: William celebrates Valentine's day and spreads the love, violently!
Series: The FANFService AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1991062
Kudos: 3





	Valentine's Day of 1983

February 14, 1983  
William drunkenly shuffled around the workshop of Afton Robotics, grief and regret still plaguing him, his attempts to drown his sorrows with a bottle only slightly successful. To distract himself, he flipped through some old blueprints and looked at some of the incomplete prototypes. An idea crossed his twisted mind, a truly devilish idea beginning to brew. With a deranged smile upon his face, he skipped over to a pile of unfinished prototypes, nearly slipping on some of the empty beer and barbecue sauce bottles which littered the floor. He knew what he needed to do, and so, he got to work.

He began assembling the accursed Funtime Heartattack, a wretched abomination which he had sworn off assembling because even he deemed it too wretched and evil. Despite this apparent moral dilemma, William got to work winding and welding wires together, making sure to install a generous amount of speakers and candy cannons. To give it a more festive look, he even glued on some foam hearts using the most evil substance ever invented: glitter glue. William shed a tear, already regretting having begun to finish this abomination, knowing he had no choice but to finish what he had started. With a few smacks of his wrench, a controlled shock, a tightening of parts, and a healthy dose of remnant, his creation was almost complete. 

“It needs a bloody heart of pure darkness!” William shouted to himself, as he was completely alone, say for the various complete and incomplete machines, along with his still barely sentient Funtime Heartattack. And so, William painted a pentagram upon the floor using blood from his jar of goat blood. He then proceeded to place and light a black candle at each point, placing a can of Heinz Baked Beans on the counter for the next stage of preparation. He then plugged in the electric can opener and opened the can, dumping the contents into a bowl and microwaving it. Once the beans were nice and hot, he stuck a spork into the bowl and placed it into the pentagram’s center.

“Surge daemonium ab inferno! Annuntio vobis donum a nice prandium calidum!” He chanted, beating his fists against his chest and beginning to unbutton his blouse. 

With a flash of light, wax spat forth from the candles as the flames waved to one side. A flaming hole appeared under the beans as a dark form rose, picking the bowl up and beginning to eat. It took a sporkful, chewed, swished it around, and swallowed, savoring the flavor of the beans. The demon repeated this process several more times, soon finishing the bowl and beginning to consume said bowl. It seemed to enjoy the flavors so much that it ate the whole damn bowl and the spork. Upon finishing, it looked over to William with its countless eyes, its wings flapping a bit as it cleared its throat.

“Y’know speaking in Latin isn’t really a requirement right?” It spoke in a deep echoey voice with a lot of reverb, for dramatic effect. 

“Ye, I’m well aware, I was simply doing it for dramatic effect. Now, could you turn around for a sec?” William motioned towards a can of baked beans on the counter behind the demon, who happily turned around, floating towards the beans. While it was distracted with the beans, William tried to think of a way to take it down. Ambushing it from behind was not a viable option, as it was covered in eyes and had multiple faces. He thought and thought, scratching his bald purple head, his large brain throbbing with idea juices. Then, he suddenly remembered something: he still had that guillotine his father had given to him for this 12th birthday. 

“Oi bruv, could ya wait here while I go and get some more beans?” William asked the demon, using his high IQ to trick it.

“Yeah dude sure, just make sure to bring plenty.” It gave a thumbs up with one of its clawed hands. 

William nodded and stepped outside, drunkenly stumbling to his car (remember kids, never drink and drive, in all honesty, you should never EVER repeat most of the things William does. Most of his actions are both illegal and morally wrong). He quickly unlocked it and flopped in, buckling up and slamming the key into place. He cranked the car, immediately backing into a tree because he had accidentally put it in reverse.Upon realising this error, William quickly corrected it, putting the car into drive and speeding through the parking lot (remember kids: speeding is also a big no-no). Not wanting to waste any time, he quickly made a shortcut through a nearby elementary school, hitting several speed bumps along the way.

By the time he arrived at his house, his car was incredibly blood-stained and dented, for some unknown reason. William drunkenly fell out of his car and stumbled to the front door, unlocking it and shuffling inside. Walking down the hallway, he made his way to Michael’s room and swung his head into one of the doorways. There sat Michael, drawing in a notebook as a means of distracting himself. William burped loudly, alerting Michael to his presence. 

“Oi boy, come help yer old man load the guillotine grandpa gave him onto his car.” William ordered, stumbling outside to the conveniently placed storage shed.

William unlocked the shed, throwing the door open and waiting for Michael to step outside to assist him. Michael soon stepped outside and approached the shed, not even questioning why his father needed the guillotine. Together, the two carried the guillotine to the car, sat it on the roof, and strapped it down, making sure it was fastened securely. William the proceeded to pour some holy water onto the blade before getting into his car. 

“Father, I don’t think you should be driving anymo--” Michael was immediately cut off by William.

“Silence, ye fookin nerd and go get me some beans and put ‘em in me car.” William stated, buckling up and cranking the car.

Michael sighed and obeyed, going inside to retrieve several cans of Heinz Baked Beans which he dropped into the car. William then gave him a thumbs up, speeding off back to Afton Robotics. William ran over several small children on the way, eventually parking in the parking lot. He quickly unbuckled and yanked his keys out, grabbing the beans and practically falling out of the car. Bla bla bla, William brought the beans and guillotine in, placing the beans in front of it. 

“Eat up brov.” William motioned to the beans with a devilish grin. 

Paulithicus did so, sticking his head through the hole and beginning to gobble up beans, having a low IQ due to being such a low level demon. William proceeded to “accidentally” trip and trigger the guillotine, beheading Paulithicus. Paulithicus screamed out various profanities, before committing the opposite of alive. Well, if demons are even considered alive, as many of them are corrupted angels who were yote out of heaven. Biblical lore theories aside, William had just beheaded a demon. Suffice to say, he felt pretty damn poggers.

“Fook yea brov, the last ingredients have been obtained!” He exclaimed, proceeding to rip Paulithicus open, removing his heart and inserting it into the metal ribcage of Funtime Heartattack and wiring it in place. Next, he removed two of Paulithicus’s many eyes, wiring them into the animatronic. Then, he added a few more fake hearts and some more bits of glue. Once he had added enough parts, he injected it with some more remnant, watching as it came to life. Once it was given life, William quickly changed into only a diaper, a pair of noise-canceling earmuffs, and a pair of fake wings, painting himself a pinkish color to conceal his identity. He, of course, also grabbed a Cupid’s crossbow (a regular crossbow that he had painted gold and pink).

“Onwards my creation, we shall spread the love!” William exclaimed, downing a bottle and jumping onto Funtime Heartattack’s shoulders.

It emitted a loud roar and began stomping forward, slamming through the door and walking into town. As it walked, it began blaring out various ungodly sounds from the many speakers William had installed in its body. The sounds caused the heart of a nearby old man to explode, cooked a nearby bird, completely deafened a nearby group of children, and caused several people to fly into a blind rage. Being a cupid currently, William began shooting people with Cupid’s arrows, though instead of falling in love, they collapsed to the ground screaming in agony. William soon realized that he was firing regular crossbow bolts, and not Cupid’s arrows, which was honestly pretty fucking hilarious. 

William continued riding his robotic abomination through town, firing at people, giving out free heart attacks, and spreading love. Of course, the cops were called on him and he instructed Funtime Heartattack to hide as he attempted to distract them. 

“This is officer Ben Dover with New Harmony Police Department. Who the fuck are you and why are you doing this?” One of the offices said, approaching William carefully.

“The name’s Vincent Vinnington, and I’m just spreading the love.” William stated, making up a perfect fake name on the fly. 

“Uhuh, yeaahh, well you’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in a cour--” Before he could finish, William had slammed down a smoke bomb and cleverly disappeared.


End file.
